hanaban's Diaryland Diary

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because it is almost dawn and i still cannot fall asleep

One of these days, I'll be able to conquer my brain.

2:37 am - January 06, 2005

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more than you could ever wish for

10:31 am - December 27, 2004

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the first day of kwanzaa!

: D

Time to have another go at cooking and get ready for tonight!

10:53 am - December 26, 2004

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merry christmas, baby

I've completely finished one project, started on another, and am progressing fairly well with the rest of my plans. It's a little lonely now, but come Sunday, my favorite people are coming over and I get to finally give away all the gifts I've had for what seems to be such a long time.

Good things about the holidays:

• Getting to see friends I've missed, even if it's for a little while
• Warm wishes from everyone
• Gift researching, making, shopping, and of course giving!
• Having time to spend with friends
• A three-week break from school
• Surprises!
• Foooooood
• Seeing penguins and snowmen (my favorites!) everywhere, and the occasional Shrek out of nowhere

2:26 am - December 25, 2004

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amidst a snow storm

This year, it's been incredible. I've learned that I can get pretty miserable, I stress out too much over things that shouldn't matter, and that through everything, there was someone patient and caring enough to go through all of it with me the whole time. Oh, how I love him so... and how he loves me so, well, just leaves me in awe. I've never really made resolutions for the new year before, but for 2005 and the years that follow, I'd like to stress less and live more. Everything works out in some way or another, and if I fail, I have chances and chances to try and try again. Believe me, I have so much more to say, but I'll save that for another time.

Snow is accumulating outside, and by morning, Ira will probably try to do his business outside and end up with snow in his ears before either of us realize it. I've already received gifts and I have nothing as of yet to give the givers in return. I have, however, put something on hold for one person and been trying to think of nifty ideas for the others. Tonight, I finished one gift and am ready to start another. Tomorrow, I will hopefully have more tasks finished and be ready for Sunday's plans.

11:53 pm - December 22, 2004

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normalcy

I often dislike normalcy, but now, I wish I had a little bit of it -- just a little bit.

12:04 pm - December 22, 2004

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surprises

There's nothing like failing a class you didn't think you'd fail and passing all the ones you thought you would.

10:14 pm - December 20, 2004

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for holly and other napoleon dynamite enthusiasts

5:07 pm - December 19, 2004

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talk about passionate

One day, during my Philosophy of Art class, my professor announced: "I think the person who stole "The Scream" should be shot." And he was dead serious.

3:29 pm - December 19, 2004

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i finished the paper.

Ignore me if I'm moody or extremely sensitive for the next several days. I'll be fine for Christmas.

3:14 pm - December 19, 2004

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six days until christmas!

Whoa, the date is in double digits now and I only have so much time until the first day of Kwanzaa to get everything finished and ready for the big day. I don't know why everyone's making a big deal of it just now, but we've been celebrating ChrisKwanZukkah for a couple of years now. It's still cool that Cohen started it on The O.C. when the show was funny and always ended happily. Curse you, drama! I have three or four knitting and crochet projects to do, and then other miscellany things that I shall not mention just yet.


I just woke up from a dream that my parents moved the large sofa from the carpetted family room to the vinyl kitchen area and Ira had left little presents everywhere ... and then I was at a military funeral service for my old friend Reggie. It was so weird because I hadn't seen or really talked to Reggie since middle school and he hadn't been with Nicole since then, but his Mom was telling me she and Nicole were just talking about their plans after he came back from Iraq. Am I reading too much of the news from BBC? I just thought I'd tell everyone so it wouldn't come true.

11:44 am - December 19, 2004

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when the han has had enough

Yesterday was not a good day at all. I should have been relieved that I don't have school for another three weeks, but all I could think of was having to re-write a paper that wasn't good enough for the French Literature II (I have to include the "II" because Nancy teaches "I" and she is my favorite) Nazi. Throughout the semester, the only class I tried so hard for was her class, the only class I even did a final paper for was her class, and throughout the semester, all the hard work I put into everything still wasn't good enough. See, I understand professors who have high standards and are funny with things like that, but at least they show that they're big jerks and they realize it without putting up a front and a phony voice as if they were a customer service representative. In this lady's case (I don't call anyone just plain "lady" unless I really dislike them... and this is the first person I've ever referred to as "lady") she comes off harmless and ever-so-friendly, but she is the iron first in the white glove and all such metaphores. Yesterday, I'd just had enough. I couldn't take it anymore. She can't just give me vague instructions with which to write the paper and then tell me that I'm being vague in my paper. She can't give examples of topics and then tell me that my topic is not good enough when I choose one of her examples. She can't tell me that my paper was so incomplete that it deserved an F because I wrote as much as I could on the topic and it only amounted to one page. I should've been harder on her when I did evaluations. I was trying to be nice to her for once. Why is it that we are expected to do so much some things that don't even matter in this world? Who is going to care about the existentialist philosophy after having read all these books? I hate it. I hate it so much. She makes me not want to try at anything and she makes me want to quit at everything.

Not only did I make everyone listen to all the reasons she upset me, I had had enough of everything else, too, and took it all out on people I love, and they don't deserve that. Normally, I would just ignore or not care so much about getting picked on, but everything was just too much and I exploded. I'm sorry, loved ones, I didn't mean to be mean to you. If she'd only gotten off my back...

This is the day after, and after some sleep I still have a puffy and sore eye, but I released all of my senseless anger yesterday, so I'll be fine. I just hate having so much contempt in my heart for anyone, but I have to be real and not fake like her and realize that I do and I just have to live with it. After the paper, I won't have to think about her for three weeks, after which I'll probably see her a lot in the halls and have to be stealthy to avoid her at all costs. Geez...so mean. It's all her fault, though. Ha. (Don't worry, I'll get over it -- unless I get below a C in the class, then I'll have to take it again... aaaah! Okay, I won't start again...)

Life shouldn't be spent like this.

11:03 am - December 18, 2004

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two down, two to go

Pretty soon, I'll be heading off to take my dreaded French Literature II and Philosophy of Art finals, and then I'll be finished. Geez, that's nice to think of :)

I shouldn't be left with a computer, internet access, and so many gift ideas running through my head all at once. He's so going to get it this year. I'm so excited but I'm trying really hard to not spoil everything just yet...

11:37 am - December 16, 2004

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ladies and gentlemen, i present to you...

The Boyfriend Arm Pillow

and...

The Lap Pillow

Haha... I think the boyfriend arm pillow is much more innocent than the latter. Ah, the things people come up with...

4:16 am - December 15, 2004

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agenda for the day

8:00-9:30 AM: International Relations final
after 9:30 AM: NAP
3:00 PM: Work
after 7:00 PM: CSI, eat, then stay up all night to study for last two finals the next day

Much to my surprise, the doctor didn't say anything to me about how bad it is to skip meals, as I've been doing recently, due to many needed naps that just take up the time that I would've spent eating. I just haven't been that hungry, you know? Just really, really tired and sleepy... like now, when it's 3:07 AM.

2:58 am - December 15, 2004

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tomorrow, tomorrow...

In approximately 12 hours, I have to go to the doctor's office, fill out papers, and probably wait for a really long time just to see the guy for a few moments. I've never even met him, really, since he's our new doctor because our old one retired and I just never went to visit this new guy. Mom says he's really nice and understanding. That's probably just because he gives her free stuff and doesn't charge her for a lot of things -- still good, though. The other doctor wrote her notes for work so that she could have an extra week off for her vacation. I'm always reluctant to go to the doctor because I think that he'll find something (or think that he does) and make me take costly tests just to find that he didn't really find anything at all. This happened a while ago when it was thought that I had problems with my heart and it was just the flu, I couldn't breathe anyway, and I probably got too excited about something on TV when I noticed my heart was racing.

1:00 am - December 14, 2004

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compulsion was the cause of this craziness

You don't know how much of a giddy little girl I am right now. Things are just coming together even better than I'd hoped, and I wish Christmas would come even sooner so that I can give everyone their gifts! There are the handmade gifts that I haven't yet begun, but that's just because they would consume all of my time and I wouldn't have time left to try to study for finals.

To do...

• buy yarn for Paul's Manchester United hat
• get supplies for all of Holly's surprises (I'm not sure if she reads this, so I don't want to give it all away)
• do more research about (a) certain something(s) for a very special certain someone (yes! I think I may well be a little sneaky...)
• find something for the little brother
• read the required readings for International Relations that I never read when I was supposed to for the final exam
• consume healthier foods
• try to get as many hours as possible at work, so as to have as much money as possible with which to spoil everyone
• try to sleep with all of this giddyness inside me -- maybe I'll have crazy, surreal dreams again!
• read the Une mort tr�s douce because I haven't read that either
• try to hold as much in as possible so as to not burst and accidentally let everyone know about everything -- dear goodness, that would not be good :)

1:12 am - December 13, 2004

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hup, holland!

There is no reason to be sad, angry, stressed, or anything anymore, because Dick's Sporting Goods has the Holland scarf I've been dreaming of, and that, my friends, is total happiness. It's just the coolest thing ever.

12:45 am - December 13, 2004

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paraskevidekatriaphobia

Last night, we decided that we needed to get a new game to play, so we headed over to the Super Target that isn't all that super and got 90's Trivial Pursuit. We thought we would be so good at it since we grew up during the 90's and all, but we forgot that since we were growing up we didn't pay attention to as many things as we would now, such as the tennis player who lost twice to Pete Sampras and once to Andre Agassi was Goran Ivanisevic. Paul new his name and said it before I could even try to pronounce it. In addition to knowing this, Paul knew about ten thousand times more things than Joe and I did, and we were lucky to actually get two colors at the end. Paul and Holly won, of course :) I've missed nights like these.

10:39 am - December 12, 2004

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silly asian antics

I need to stop watching so much TV. It makes me scared of everything.

4:14 pm - December 11, 2004

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have you ever smelled the fart of a dog? phew!

Right now, I am trying really hard to work on my five-page International Relations paper. I've even opened up a book and a can of Coke.

Today, I made an appointment to go see the doctor about my back (which has not gotten any better), made it through literature class without having reading the book we were supposed to read, and learned a lot of the questions that will be on my very difficult Philosophy of Art final for next Thursday. Oh, and since we covered everything today in Philosophy of Art, we don't have class on Thursday. YES!

By the way, Happy Second Day of Hanukkah! I only have one picture of one dreidel so far...

12:05 am - December 08, 2004

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happy first day of hanukkah!

10:20 am - December 07, 2004

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when i have completely mistaken the date...

I was so worried about getting my "Analyse" finished for tomorrow, but I just realized that tomorrow is not the 9th and only the 7th. I have so much time! Now I can work on things I have not completed, such as the five-page paper for International Relations on whether or not the spread of diplomacy is good internationally (or something like that). Thank you, BBC News, for teaching me things about the UN and their considerations for new policies on intervention. I couldn't be a nerd but still not as smart as Joe about this stuff without your help. As you can see (you, referring to you now, and not BBC) I am still not doing anything. What did you expect?

10:53 pm - December 06, 2004

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reaching for the last stretch

Things I am doing tomorrow:

Sending off a package for - h -
Visiting Sarah at her work
A lot of catch-up work for school
Making an appointment to see a doctor for my painful back

I haven't finished all of my Christmas shopping yet this year. I have so many exciting gift ideas for each person, but I'm lacking in the funds, so I will try to make do with what I have. Don't worry; I have financial aid money coming, but it won't be here until next month, and that doesn't help me much for Christmas. This'll urge me to be more creative and give more meaningful gifts. I'm so excited. I can understand why people hate Christmas, but I can't not love it. I can't wait to finish with this semester of school so I can start and finish with everything else before Christmas. Enough talking, though; I need to get my work done so that I will be free soon. I just found out my final for French Language Skills has been moved to Monday from Wednesday... two finals on Monday and then another two on Thursday... and then I'll be off to happier times without the stress. Good luck with your finals :)

10:04 pm - December 06, 2004

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